Tuesday, August 23, 2016

I Counted Three

In our house, our babies sleep with us.  Lyla was still co sleeping when Karrick came along, but it was getting crowded, even in a king sized bed.  She would only stay in our room for a few months after his arrival before moving into her own room.  It was just before she moved into her big girl bed that we were all snuggled up together early one morning.  I had woken up with baby arms and toddler feet all over my body.  As I sleepily adjusted my position, I looked all around me for our third child.  The one I soon realized we didn't have.  I remember telling Dustin that I felt so crazy because I had vividly believed and felt her existence.  But I brushed it off with a "Hm.  Weird."
When Karrick was born, I felt like our family was picture perfect, maybe even complete.  A happy little girl, the sweetest baby boy.  But then that moment happened.  Which I probably could have ignored and forgotten.  Except that it happened again.  and again...There were three instances over the next several weeks in which I went to count my children, but instead counted 3.
For the longest time, I hadn't even made the connection of our foster/adoption journey and those earlier instances of looking for my daughter.  It had been so long since I had counted 3, and the decision to adopt came later.  But when I do think back to those moments? I feel it in my bones. Our third child all ready exists.  Those feelings weren't divine suggestions of a future pregnancy or birth of my own.  It was a deep feeling in my heart that my third baby is all ready in this world, and each time I felt it, I felt it with a momentary urgency to find her.
I wish I could say that I frequently hear God's clear voice, but, let me just be honest, that's usually not the case.  Probably because I don't stop long enough to listen. But this, this I believe was God.  God preparing my heart for my second daughter.  He has linked her heart with mine and given me the desire to seek her out.
I counted 3 children because I have three children.  There's one I haven't met yet, but she is out there.  And our family is waiting.

Call to me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.  Jeremiah 33:3

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